I have been spiritual all my life, but I have never considered it my personal call for the collective. In 2016, I was heavily kicked out of my comfort zone by facing an extreme, almost killing, existential challenge. I was pushed to the limits, and I was forced to open up on that journey. Like many people who got their call in a surrender situation, I got mine when I searched for new insight and tried almost everything. Through a friend, I got in contact with a shaman. Although I had never taken drugs in my entire life, I decided to take ayahuasca. In preparation for this, I started with a deep detox on all levels—no alcohol, no meat, no sugar, etc. When the ceremony day came, I expected everything except for what happened. I did what everybody did: I took the ayahuasca drink, knowing that it might make me vomit or feel deep emotions; it usually brings trauma to the surface and can confront you with your deepest self. I was ready for that. I was at the point where I was 100% open to receiving whatever would want to come to me with no fear. I felt ready but did not know what I was ready for. I was already in the process of being guided to something that I strongly felt but could not name. After hearing everybody's deepest wishes for what they wanted to work with on their ayahuasca trip, the shaman offered me the chance to ask to meet my “god.” He also warned me that this could be a very hard experience. I knew instantly, “Oh yes, this is exactly what I want.”

I took the ayahuasca. I felt like someone had put a big plug into my head, and I felt a huge connection in the crown chakra. I was flooded with light—I left my body. I was flowing through me endlessly for hours. I went into complete light for 6 hours; I couldn't move, and I thought I had died; 6 hours in the same position even though I couldn't sit for even 10 min because of a previous car accident. Many light-beings came and were holding me and supporting my back. That night I was taught how to put light into darkness. This lesson was actually a very mind-blowing experience. My god had some humor. He switched off the light a couple of times to test me. Surprisingly, it was an easy and natural task for me to “switch the light on” again. We repeated this game a few times. While doing this, I felt how much I knew what I was doing. I kind of “remembered.” I was reminded of what I can do and who I am/was. This was the first moment I felt my guidance actively.

Before we all left home the following day, the shaman called us and wished to make a so-called “soul star” because he still couldn't understand what happened to me the day before. In a soulstar, a portal is being created. He puts 9 discs that contain certain minerals in a circle on the floor. I had to stand on one disc, and he was standing on the other. He started channeling into my soul and immediately had to step off the disc because heavy light was coming in that he could hardly bear. He asked me how I had been able to be in that light the day before for so many hours, why people like “ME” (whatever that means) are reincarnating on earth at all, and what was holding me back from my obvious purpose all the time. At that very moment, my whole body went spastic, and two people had to hold my legs because I also couldn't. I answered that I didn't allow this force to come through because of my children and my husband. At that moment, he smiled and said, “Oh, compassion it is. It nearly always is…” I stopped shaking, I felt an immense power going through my body, and tears started running. It was as if he had pushed a button with the word “compassion.” All of a sudden, all the force within me was released. First, the whole ceiling opened up, and nature was visible, although I was in a closed room. I could hardly see people around me; I looked at my hands and my body—hundreds of rays of light came out of me and went in all possible directions. The shaman asked me where the light stopped, and I heard myself answering: “It doesn't stop….”

I remember feeling if any more light would come to me, I might explode. He wanted to call me Shiva, but I knew this wasn't my real name. I received my real name, “Cha Na’ Rahi,” much later, but this is another story. This was the day my life changed forever, and there was no way to go back to my old ME. I remember thinking that if everybody felt what I felt at that moment, the earth could become a place of pure love. If I had to sign a paper at that very moment that I had to die to give every person this feeling, I would have done it until today. The shaman made it clear that I didn't need to come back to do ayahuasca as I had been given what had to be given and that my path had started. Meditation became part of my life; everything I needed to proceed came with ease to me. Whether I wanted it or not, information, patterns, and numbers were thrown at me constantly. A long time of teaching during night and day had started. The portal is the result. It wanted to be born and looked like it wanted me to be the mother.